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  For Jennifer

  INTRODUCTION

  Hurray, hurrah, you made it to The Smartest Book in the World. You are now officially more inquisitive than all your bored friends. In your hands you hold a clamorous compendium, a rancorous reportage, a lexicon of literacy. This is the burning bush, the Rosetta stone, the Fountain of Youth, the Grail to all the funnest knowledge and most freaktastical answers to the questions you’ve never asked, like: Which Roman emperor would be the best first baseman? and Does vodka go with vodka? You know, the vitals.

  Lots of comedians write first-person memoirs of their hilarious experiences in show business. This is not a bad thing. We like to see comedians get work. Sometimes they tell stories about their dog or people they shagged. This book is not one of those. I don’t have a dog. The people I know don’t have dog stories, either. Not even shaggy ones. To be sure, the experiences are there, but this round it’s better to mine the vast worlds outside one’s career and troll for laughs and the occasional fact.

  What makes you so smart? I hear you ask. Stop sniveling. It does not happen overnight. One must spend years traveling, studying, and performing to rapt, attentive, worshipful crowds. Since that was practically impossible, I self-anointed and did a Proopcast. The knowledge collected is for us to share. You will be excited, then ashamed, then inflamed, then engaged.

  Thank you for buying this. If you stole it, well done, you. You are going to make your way in this world. If you borrowed it, return it full. Let us take to the ether.

  THE PROOPS COMMANDMENTS

  1. THERE WILL BE ANCIENT HISTORY

  The past is never dead. It’s not even past.

  —William Faulkner

  Yet is it more honorable, and just, and upright, and pleasing, to treasure in the memory good acts than bad.

  —Xenophon, Anabasis

  I am aware that just saying “ancient history” makes you fidget in your seat and look at the clock. I feel you. But these aren’t just dinky people wearing togas and writing out love notes on papyrus. We are talking about the most violent, sexually aberrant, mentally unstable people in the history of our blue planet. And those were just the leaders. Every form of vice and villainy was practiced: gluttony, lust, genocide, patricide, infanticide, regicide, usury, perversion, treachery, and always lots of awesome slavery. Their fighting and boinking would make a Led Zeppelin after party look like playschool. We are going to throw down on the ancient groove monkeys of the past who changed the funk for all times.

  Just sneak a peek at Nero, the Roman emperor and famous maniac, who prowled the streets at night mugging people and molesting Women with his pals. The louche emperor even took up acting and had a group of guys applaud for him at festivals. He also married two men and had one castrated so he could be his “wife.” And for his final act of depravity, he stomped his pregnant wife to death. Then we have the emperor Tiberius, who left his job and moved to the Isle of Capri just to perv it up. He had a pool full of boys who would swim up to him and nibble at his imperial giblets; they were called “minnows.” Feeling queasy? Try this fine lady, Julia the daughter of Emperor Augustus, who used to take on all comers late at night right in the Forum. You get the mosaic. For the hat trick, we have Cleopatra, who had a pleasure barge with purple sails and perfumed dancing girls, so put down your smartphone and reconsider the past.

  While bringing debauchery to new heights in the three centuries from Alexander the Great to Cleopatra, the world also perfected medicine, theater, wine, philosophy, logic, Christianity, democracy, the written word, the zero, astronomy, bronze, the Olympics, falafel, gladiator sandals, and, perhaps most importantly, the sports stadium with vendors, beer, bleachers, sun roofs, and a luxury box. The Colosseum in Rome had a retractable sunroof made of sails that was manned by a local unit of sailors. The tickets to amphitheaters were perforated and stamped so one could tell which section to sit in and attendance could be accurately counted. Alexander brought engineers who measured the distance they traveled in conquering the world. The steam engine and the computer were invented but discarded because slave labor made them redundant. Yet we destroy the sites of their glory willy-nilly and pay no heed to their warnings and wisdom. We of this age have bombed and made war on ancient Babylon, Parthia, Mesopotamia, and the timeless city of Damascus. The very places where civilization was invented and the Bible took place. The ancients advised love is the joy of the good, the wonder of the wise, the amazement of the gods. Tough lesson, that one.

  I’m not here to sound like the Antiques Historical Roadshow. The old days were rarely the good old days; they were damn fine for a few people with eunuchs, a personal army, and a villa. For most others, they were lucky not to end up being a chariot speed bump. It was a good day if you could avoid bristling arrows, marauding armies, raging phalanxes, or boiling oil. To make no mention of the epidemics, floods, and occasional rains of frogs for a change of plague.

  But for pure flash, the ancients knew how to party with prostitutes of dazzling variety and proclivity, build colossal monuments and temples of marble, paint statues, and had the know-how to roast an ox with a goose in it (take that, turducken). I’m not saying we should go back to the age of enslavement, but we could use a dash of that faith and single-mindedness that it took to build aqueducts and pyramids and the like. Our current defining philosophy is one of raw self-interest. Was it always thus? Yes, but with an explanation. People then conquered the world astride a white horse wearing a plumed helmet, the troops singing, flutes playing in the dusty breeze. Today the conquerors meet in a climate-controlled conference room in Switzerland and lack all of that bravura. Alexander claimed he was the son of Zeus. Those who run the world now have no such distinction of lineage. Alexander read Homer. There is no poetry in leadership now because it’s not printed on money. And in all that time, nobody ever texted a picture of their genitalia—they cast it in bronze and hung it as a lucky oil lamp.

  2. THERE WILL BE MOVIES

  The Smartest Book has a no-3-D policy, but the movies here are not necessarily the critical darlings of all time; some are just plain fun. But even fun requires craft and respect for the audience. These movies respect you and invite you to live in their world. These pictures are the funnest and goodest. They are what you need right now. If you have seen them—good for you, time to revisit. If not, get watching; life is too short to spend any more time on Iron Man 9 or The Hangover 6. The films here will divert you, some may even move you. Thrill to the booming monument that is Anita Ekberg in a fountain in La Dolce Vita, taste the wild screaming estrogen flow in the semidocumentary music-video style of Richard Lester letting the Beatles loose in A Hard Day’s Night, take back the night with truck-shooting, convenience-store-robbing badasses Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis in Thelma & Louise. Take a long look and appreciate the actors who are Movie Helpers, actors who make any movie they are in more entertaining no matter how dreary, like quirky Hebrew sex symbol Jeff Goldblum in Igby, who always appears to be in a different, better, funnier, quirkier movie than whatever movie he is actually appearing in, especially when he is in a Jurassic Park sequel. The bombshells get a workout by dropping the fire on your libido; that’s right, Rita Hayworth in Gilda is made of solid chrome hot. The earthy Scandinavian lava pool Ingrid Bergman in Casablanca is a dame so smoking she makes you join a band of rebels. Tallulah Bankhead brings bisexuality
to gravel-voiced, dizzying heights in Lifeboat. If movies aren’t better than life, then why live?

  3. THERE WILL BE SATCHEL PAIGE

  Ain’t no man can avoid being born average, but there ain’t no man got to be common.

  —Satchel Paige

  Satchel Paige was an all-star ace pitcher, up and down North, South, East, and West America. He played for countless teams and was a veteran of thousands of baseball games and a million miles on the road. He didn’t always show up on time, and in general, rules did not apply to him. His stories are to be taken with a grain of showbiz, but that is what elevates him above other baseball greats. The man had super charisma and blarney. He is ageless, immortal, a clown, a showman, a barnstormer, a teller of tall tales, a ghetto success story, a civil rights pioneer, a black superstar. He hung with Jelly Roll Morton, played the guitar, blew through loads of money, wore flashy suits with gaudy ties, married at least three women, collected antiques, showed up in a cowboy movie with Robert Mitchum, told big stories, misremembered superstars’ names, and held court for generations. Facts were never set in stone for Paige. His name isn’t even Paige. His family changed it from Page to class things up. His date of birth is movable. He was a sage and a teacher; life was his subject, baseball was the school. Class commences now.

  4. THERE WILL BE POETRY

  When power leads man towards arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man’s concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses. For art establishes the basic human truths which must serve as the touchstones of our judgment.

  —John F. Kennedy

  Poetry is the shortest distance between two humans.

  —Lawrence Ferlinghetti

  Poetry gets a bad rap. In Ireland, poets are venerated. In America, poetry is scary if it don’t rhyme. Schools don’t teach students to seek out the poetry in life; rather, they are taught to conform and fit into boxes. Poetry is a rebellion. These poets spoke of love, to be certain, but there is revolution in the verse. Baudelaire scandalized Paris. Poe frightens generations. Villon had to run for his life. Ovid was banned from Rome. Poetry is the shield. Poetry is the key to the other world where we all belong. These poems and these poets are outcasts and outlaws, outsiders, visionaries, and outliers.

  Poetry is included here because life is an endless series of narrow-minded oyster heads trying to revoke you. It’s an arid desert devoid of humanity. It’s a horrid poisonous rainfall of shards of obsidian smashing down upon your heart; it’s hideous career choices that you regret the rest of your life; it’s relationships you enter into with every bloody possibility of failure at the outset, and yet you dash into them like a heedless albino bat through a cave as swiftly as you can to your own inevitable demise against a sticky-ass stalagmite where they find you, centuries later, struggling in your death throes, that’s why. Poetry helps alleviate that. We live in a world where Dick Cheney gets to walk around and do whatever he wants; Vladimir Putin is in charge of a country, though he is clearly a certifiable maniac; and Donald Trump is invited to share his thoughts. That is why we need poetry. Light some incense, pour yourself a chalice of elderberry wine, and slide down into a comfy chair. It won’t be as bad as you think.

  5. THERE WILL BE MUSIC

  Music is a moral law. It gives soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and charm and gaiety to life and to everything.

  —Plato

  The Smartest Book admits that music is subjective. Some people, as Donny and Marie once so sagely observed, are a little bit country, some a little bit rock ’n’ roll. One thing is certain: there is no accounting for taste. If there were, why would Sting and the Police have enjoyed such an enduring career? His name is Sting; aren’t you embarrassed? If rock is supposed to be cool and represent rebellious rockers snorfing drugs and blazing on bitchin’ motorcycles, what would be the uncoolest name for a band ever? Let us conclude, the Police. Why not call yourselves the Federal Bureau of Bummer?

  Music is food for the soul and snacks for the shallow good times. Therefore, you must have music for every state of mind and emotion. These are albums you must have for the sake of your own musical life. No Journey, Black Eyed Peas, Foreigner, Kiss, Miley, Justin Bieber, no stadium white-guy gimme-cap rock or any junk where Auto-Tuning is used. Those albums are evil and only a clam head who has lost their ability to discern the singing of angels from the brainless bleetings of a toaster oven could enjoy them. From the grumpy confines of the fortress of Proopitude, thus have we spoken.

  6. THERE WILL BE NO WHINING

  There will be occasional boring preachy parts, but you are expected to act like a grown-up and eat your spinach. It’s good for you, goddammit. Get some fortitude and fiber into your diet. Grow a pair of female members. You are not required to agree with everything you read. That is submission. But laughing at it and trying to understand something you do not concur with is called being sophisticated.

  It is entirely your prerogative to agree or disagree with my assertions. But consider this: you may not have spent as many hours riding in a bus across the Saskatchewan prairie contemplating the vast contributions of Canadian rock musicians or hung out at a roadside truck stop in Turkey deconstructing an old Kojak episode. If you are the kind of person who says they think they read something somewhere, let this be the place you read it and maybe remember. Retention is not required; I will always be right here and right, here.

  7. THERE WILL BE ART

  If you want to really hurt your parents, and you don’t have the nerve to be gay, the least you can do is go into the arts.

  —Kurt Vonnegut, A Man Without a Country

  Art is as essential as air to a mammal, as sun to a reptile, as suppression to a bureaucrat, as a metaphor to a writer grappling for examples. Art exists so we can rise out of the filth of chasing money and doing our corporate masters’ bidding. Art doesn’t change the world; art is the bloody world. Let’s then try to take it from where the rich elite keep it in a museum. We will see if we can extricate art from its exclusive stronghold and put it back in your crib. Please do not actually try to steal art or break the law in any way. We cannot be responsible for how easily swayed you are and how little willpower you possess. So don’t even think about it. Unless your plan is foolproof, then meet me in the car park and look for the black van with the rearing horse airbrushed on the side. We will answer to “Miguel.”

  8. WE WILL SPELL WOMAN WITH A CAPITAL W

  There is a movement by all the men in the world to make sure Women don’t get a fair shake. Men yell at Women from cars. Men deny Women equal pay. Men tell Women to “smile.” Men off their wives and girlfriends. Men enact laws to keep Women from health care they need. This is not opinion, this is fact. The reason is a Woman dreamed the universe into existence. Women give birth, men take life. Therefore, men are jealous of this power. War is menstruation envy. A Woman dreamed the universe into being. That is why it is called “the Big Bang”—only a Woman can make a bang that big. If a man had done it, it would be called the Disappointingly Early Theory of the Universe. Men can only give birth to sacred bullets through their Viagra-assisted manshaft. Women deal with the pain of childbirth; men act like they have diphtheria if they get a cold. We all know Columbus and George Washington, but who is taught about Sojourner Truth or Susan B. Anthony? Women in the United States could not vote until 1920. Then only because they demanded it for years. Any advances Women have made they have done by organizing and being better at everything than men just to be recognized and heard. They have to.

  A few things to ponder as you seek to improve and enlighten yourself out of the depths of your ignorance:

  • Germany, New Zealand, Argentina, India, Chile, Brazil, Pakistan, the UK, Ireland, Canada, and Australia, to name but a few, have had Women leaders. The USA has not.

  • Women, as of right now, dominate publishing. J. K. Rowling is the most-read author on Ea
rth.

  • Understand telling a Woman to “smile” is an imposition and a demand you have no right to make.

  • Don’t use the term “old lady” as a pejorative term. Old Women raise the world and know everything. They are anything but weak.

  • When you go into a bar or restaurant, notice if the Woman servers are made to wear hot outfits. Consider which places make men do that.

  • Victoria’s Secret has a TV special. Calvin Klein’s men’s undies do not.

  • Women are the majority of workers in the world. They do not get equal pay, and they have to put up with men’s shit attitude, groping, and harassment.

  • Women are regularly assaulted, raped, beaten, abused, murdered, sold, and disappeared. Everywhere. That means in America as well. This is not the top story in the news. Ever.

  Therefore, Women get a big W, and you will have to wait to be heard for once, dude.

  9. THERE WILL BE WORDS

  Words make sentences make sense. Words can illuminate and illustrate, denigrate and castigate. Words come easy to some, to others—including a certain president of the United States, who had a deuce of a time pronouncing nuclear without putting the nuke before the culer—they remain “deciders.” Some people enjoy great facility with words, others stumble over the simplest thoughts. Have you ever heard your uncle attempt to tell a coherent joke? Time to crack open the lexicon and let the thrills begin. You will quiver incandescently at the new breadth of expression you will attain. With little strenuous exertion on your behalf, you will find your corpus awash in expressions, redolent with remarks, conflated with commands, filled with phrases, and ready to take on that dinner party with those complete ninnies whose very presence makes your stomach churn. Improve your life all around by worshiping the flame that words ignite. You will be dazzled, pyrolatrous.